In conjunction with Charlie Sheen's recent shocking admission that he has HIV, CNN recently released the results of a Center of Disease Control and Prevention report regarding the rising STD rates in the United States. While the results are shocking and troubling, it would appear that legitimately NOBODY cares. In a recent straw pull conducted by the Department of Redundancy Department, 4.98 out of every 5 men, and 3.65 out of every 7 women were unconcerned with the rising STD rate. When asked to explain the results and lack of behavioral change in their wake, Dr. Klaus Von-Supersmyth of the Institute of Sexual Health at Gig Harbor Community College had the following to say:
"It would appear that young people really do not care what happens to them anymore. When choosing between sexual health or re-tweets on twitter, re-tweets on twitter always seem to win!"
Von-Supersmyth went on to say "I think adolescents of both genders are starting to feel that if their body count is not at least approaching double digits by the time they are sophomores in high school that they might as well drop out of high school and live under a viaduct somewhere because they will never amount to anything in life! I would have to say that I COMPLETELY agree on both counts".
Results Indicate That Males Are The Hardest Hit
While the aforementioned news seems bad and points toward our society heading even further down a chasm of nihilism and sadness, it is in reality even worse. Results of the report also indicated that males are being hit the hardest. Seeing as gay is the new straight one would figure that this development would cause significant alarm, but alas no. Jim Bob Templeton of the National Organization of Homosexual Success or NOHS for short released the following statement on the report.
The Risk Crosses All Boundaries
"While we appreciate the CDC's concern regarding this issue, we at NOHS could care less. Whether you're gay or straight, in 2015, having an STD is a status symbol on par with driving a Mercedes, working for Goldman Sachs, and/or owning ALL of Justin Bieber's albums. I myself have two STD's and fingers crossed will acquire a third by year's end."
STD Rates Will Continue To Rise
With a thought process like this one can only assume that STD rates will continue to rise. That's ok though because if everyone has an STD than really nobody has an STD.
Sources and References
Storrs, C. (2015, November 19). STD rates rise dramatically, especially among men. Retrieved from cnn.com.