When it comes to biological excuses, men get the short end of the stick. For instance, a woman could go on a three state killing spree and get off with a stern warning by telling the jury it was her time of the month. A pregnant woman can eat anything she wants and God help the person who tries to stop her. Men get only one such biological free pass—midlife crisis. True, midlife crisis is no laughing matter. As articles in on health websites like "Today Health" point out, there are several serious concerns about male midlife crisis, from depression to jeopardizing career and family with poor decisions. That’s not what I really want to talk about today, though. I want to talk about the all-important topic of the midlife crisis choice. You know the one—what crazy, stupid thing are you going to do to feel younger?
Once we rule out the outliers, like the guy who gets a hair transplant or climbs Mount Everest or decides to change his gender or species or something, we're left with three major middle aged male pursuits--the motorcycle, the boat or the younger woman. Each comes with their own dangers and benefits, and contrary to popular belief, one choice does not necessarily preclude the others. Take me for example. I’ve lived a very straight-laced, buttoned down life—I think everyone is fully expecting me to use a motorcycle to jump onto the deck of my boat filled with cheerleaders for my 50th birthday. For the rest of you, it will likely come down to choosing one.
I think everyone is fully expecting me to use a motorcycle to jump onto the deck of my boat filled with cheerleaders...
A motorcycle is probably the most common midlife crisis affectation. It’s always fun to see the 50 year old stock broker come wobbling out of his garage on an expensive motorcycle, looking like he might benefit from training wheels. This can be a cheap thrill, with low-end used bikes being available for a couple thousand dollars, or someone could easily drop more than they would pay for a new car on a top-of-the-line Harley. The benefit is that you get to basically live out a 1960's road movie and hopefully have Harley-chasing young women throwing themselves at you. The obvious risk is becoming road pizza, but there is the other unspoken risk, which is wandering into a biker bar and accidentally offending some guy named "Guard Rail" who proceeds to successfully stuff your entire head into your own rectum.
The bass boat is my personal favorite. I’ve wanted one since I was 11 years old. Mind you, I haven’t been bass fishing in three years, I have nowhere to keep a bass boat and there are darn few places in my area to use one if I had one. It doesn’t matter. That’s the beauty of the midlife crisis. The needs are not logical—they don’t have to be. It’s about fulfilling a childhood or adolescent desire. So, a bass boat is a relatively cheap investment, maybe $5,000 to $12,000 that may give occasional pleasure with the only real risk being sunburn and a fishy smell. And maybe drowning, but hey, what’s life without risk? Unfortunately, not many young women throw themselves at bass boat owners, so the hope for a combination is a little slim here.
And Then There Is This...
Last but certainly not least, we come to the younger woman. The attraction here is pretty obvious, as are the benefits. Of course, this is also the hardest midlife crisis acquisition—you don’t have to impress a bass boat and no motorcycle is going to think that you’re a creepy old dude. So, to fulfill the traditional "Younger woman" fantasy, you need to be rich enough, handsome enough or charming enough to attract a younger woman in the first place, and then you need to be willing to risk your marriage if you have one. How expensive is this midlife distraction? Have you looked at the cost of jewelry, or designer purses, or even nice restaurants lately? If you're married, the price can go up astronomically if you're caught, and even if you're not caught, your looking at paying for a lot of hotel rooms, not to mention Viagra. And when it's all said and done, guess what you get? Another woman in your life, and she's going to have needs and feelings and moods and all those other things you love to deal with so much.
Famous Last Words
There is an interesting work-around, though. Hiring an escort can be a more discreet way to take care of that "Younger woman" craving, and as an added bonus, they leave. In fact, you could be with a bevy of younger women, and assuming you're capable of discretion, your wife need never know. Admittedly, that sounds like famous last words, but which will be easier for you to explain--paying for an apartment for a nineteen year old Lolita you're "Tutoring" or spending a few hundred bucks on an isolated indiscretion? One will get you kicked in the nuts, the other might get you the Lorena Bobbitt treatment, even if you do try the "Honey, you said I need to exercise more" excuse.
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