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money stripperThe economy is suffering, and everyone is feeling it. Accountants, landscapers and just about everyone else.

Who's feeling it more than anyone else? Strippers. Why? Because it's their job to take money from everyone who's suffering from the economy's collapse.

How do I know? Because I interviewed a stripper in Denver, Colorado, and she said that strippers are making less money than ever. I mean, not her specifically, but the girls around her. If you want a brief foray into the world of stripping so that you can quit with the knowledge that you couldn't make ends meet selling your body, here's how:

Don't brush your teeth!

Seriously, just don't brush them. Eat some onions before work, and then go lean into a dude's face and talk to him, blowing your halitosis ALL up in his nose. Guys love a girl whose mouth reminds them of a rank men's restroom. It makes them feel at home. Really.

Wear crappy clothes! Men don't come to a strip club to see girls looking nice! They WANT to see girls wearing thongs ten sizes too small and stained dresses that smell like last night's sweat. That's what makes it real.

Eat Taco Bell before work!

Taco Bell runs straight through you, so when you're not trying to hold your farts on stage, you'll be stinking up the bathroom and making your fellow strippers hate you. It's great when fellow strippers hate you, because men will feel bad for you and pay you. Also, when you give a client a lap dance, just fart on his lap. He won't know it was you and, even if he does, he already paid you!

Complain!

Every man wants to hear women complain. When a guy starts talking to you, just whine about how your feet hurt (and smell) and how much you hate your job. Talk about how broke you are. How you just want to go home. How you hate stripping. Then? Ask him if he wants to buy a lap dance! He'll surely say yes, because there's a chance he'll get to listen to you complain then, too.

Try low-end prostitution!

When you're giving a man a lap dance and he asks you to touch his pee-pee for an extra $10, do it! Sure, there are cameras, but the managers will be SO happy that you're risking legal trouble for the whole place! Heck, if the man wants the whole pie, just get an extra $20 and go for it! You'll get caught, and you'll make less than some drug addicts who do the same thing to fuel their addictions, but it's all about customer satisfaction, right?

 

 

Spend your time hitting on the DJ!

The DJ, you know, one of the guys you tip at the end of the night? Yeah, spend your time flirting with him because you don't want to work the floor. You're basically doing the opposite of what you're there to do, and everyone loves a rebel! Spend your money to hang around a seedy strip club DJ and leave feeling broke at the end of the night. It's what all the cool kids are doing!

Spend your time backstage!

If the DJ isn't your type, just sit backstage and look at Facebook. You know... Like you could do at home for free! It's WAY more fun if you're spending time on Facebook when you could be making money! Who wants to hang out where guys who want to give you money can see you? Who wants to work when they're at work? Facebook FTW!!

There you have it, there's how NOT to make money stripping. Right from the stripper's mouth.

Now, I lied earlier. Not all strippers are getting hit by the economy. Especially the strippers in Las Vegas, that city will never die. Strip club goers will always be happy to give money that they can't afford to spend to half-naked girls. That's why they go to strip clubs. But, if you want a reason to complain about getting hit by the economy too, there you have it, ladies.

juniper

Story by Juniper

Juniper is always ready with an opinion -- regardless of what the conversation entails. Want to talk about the latest sex-related blunder that everyone saw on network tv last night? Wondering about that outfit you thought about buying during your last visit to your neighborhood sex shop? Juniper is right there...