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new political sex scandals

A wise man once told me that the President of the United States is more of an honorary position and that Congress makes the real decisions, so you should base your vote entirely on potential entertainment value of the candidate. Okay, he actually wasn’t such a wise man—kind of a weirdo, actually, but still his point has merit. Does anybody remember what a president did to balance the budget, or how they brokered a peace treaty between two nations we couldn’t find on a map or delivered a really rousing state of the union address? No. I guarantee we all remember George H.W. Bush throwing up on the Japanese Prime Minister (or Emperor, or Chief Godzilla Defender, or something), George W. Bush being incapable of delivering any quote, cliché or proverb without getting it twisted around, and of course Bill Clinton’s affinity for…um…cigars. It is the latter I’d like to focus on, because really, when it comes to entertainment, can a public figure give us anything more satisfying than the sex scandal?



When Will It Come, It's Been Too Long

It’s been a long dry spell for the American public when it comes to sex scandals and the president. There certainly hasn’t been anything nearly as satisfying as when the news of Clinton’s transgression erupted all over the news, staining his reputation and putting others in the White House in a sticky situation. Sure, if we wanted to dig deep enough, we probably could have found some kind of uncorroborated stories about coke-fueled orgies in Bush’s college days, or Obama and some of his homies running a train on some drunk girl in the parking lot after a White Sox game when he was a teenager, but if it doesn’t happen during the presidency, really, who cares? But fear not, each new group of candidates brings the hope that the national interest will again be aroused by a nice, juicy sex scandal.

The Democrats

Let’s start with the Democrats since they’ve almost figured out who they want to run, or at least have narrowed it down to the angry butch chick and the creepy old dude. Bernie Sanders seems an unlikely sex scandal prospect, since he’s been happily married for over 25 years and he’s, well, old. He is, however, an old hippie, so you can’t entirely rule out the possibility of him dropping acid and getting it on with a farm animal on the White House Lawn. One can hope. Then there’s Hillary Clinton. Just bringing Bill Clinton back into the White House as “First Man” increases the chances of a frosted intern by a factor of ten. As for Hillary, nobody is 100 percent sure if she actually has sex anymore, and if she does, what her preferred gender is. The only thing we know for sure is that if she has a an affair with someone (male or female), chances are she’ll email somebody about it and then the whole world will get to know the details.

The Republican

The Republican field runs the gamut from old to young, do-able to “Please, God, put that thing back in your pants and go away.” Frontrunner Donald Trump presents an interesting proposition for those who are hungry for a presidential scandal. On the one hand, his wife is hot, like “Eastern European prostitute hot.” But he’s old. Like “Can’t get it up without three Viagra and a pump old.” He even gave up his pipeline to young beauties by selling off his interest in beauty pageants like Miss Universe, Miss Teen Universe and, presumably, Miss Sugar Baby. On the other hand, there’s his wife—the aforementioned younger, hot wife. Wouldn’t it be entertaining if she were caught letting a strapping young secret service agent explore her oval office?

Then there’s Jeb Bush. Ah Jeb, you tried to be more adventurous than the rest of your family. You even married a hot-blooded Latina woman. If stereotypes hold true, a hot-blooded Latina woman would cut his balls off if he were to look at another woman, so chances are that he will toe the line like few presidents before him have. Ben Carson looks kind of promising on the surface--a doctor who seems just a little on the wacky side. However, he’s been married to the same woman for 40 years and, let’s face it—he can’t seem to put a coherent sentence together at times, so how is he going have enough game to pick up some young intern? Now, for a brief word about Ted Cruz. Look at him, then look at his wife. Really look at them. He should get down on his knees and thank God every day that he found one woman to sleep with him who isn’t blind or permanently disfigured—to imagine that he would even look elsewhere, much less find a willing partner without serious cash changing hands, is utterly ridiculous.

The Front-Runner In Sex Scandel Derby

Then, finally, we get to the real front-runner in sex scandal derby—Marco Rubio. A good looking, virile Cuban American man in his prime, complete with a former cheerleader for a wife. Add to this the fact that that he is a pathological liar (allegedly), and we’ve got a man who will be laying more pipe in Washington than D.C. Plumbing Corp. Yes, I have no idea how he would be on foreign policy or the economy, but if you follow the Bill Maher theory that the president is a sort of tribal leader and you want the man with the biggest spear out front, you’d better be hoping that Rubio somehow emerges from this election with a victory.

Story by Tyra