failed presidential sex posistions

Unless you've been living under a rock, it's hard to miss the massive coverage about the caucuses all over the country. As citizens obsess about percentage points with a fervor normally reserved for batting averages during spring training, we've got a different angle to ponder: what kind of sex do you think the candidates are having? Lets be honest, it'd be hard to find a better way to determine the head of state...everyone's their authentic selves between the sheets, right?

No One Is Miss Out

Here's what we think would go on in the Lincoln bedroom, if any of these 4 failed contenders had made it to the White House:

Lincoln Chafee (D) - Anyone remember this guy? He was the one that kept whining about his lack of speaking time at the Democratic debate. Chances are, you don't and his lovers don't either. He has problematic sex in which the only thing mutual is a sense of disappointment. He will spend the entire evening talking about how you, as his partner, should have done something differently rather than admit his performance was sub-par.

Carly Fiorina (R) - Now, we don't want to stereotype high-powered business women here, but if any of the candidates were likely to participate in a little BDSM, Carly likely invests in a bit of leather. We're just saying, we would not be at all shocked to open her closet and find a strap on harness hanging in there. It would be a tasteful one on the smaller side, and she'd be thoughtful enough to use plenty of lube, but yeah, that's totally happening. Her safeword is "Stock Options."

It Can Get Kind Of Tacky

Martin O'Malley (D) - By far the most attractive candidate, male or female, O'Malley probably has no trouble going home with company. He's very stuck in the 70s, however, and probably has his own hot tub that he's just a little too obsessed with. Expect cheesy R&B music during foreplay and a drawer full of edible underwear for the main event. Secretly, he wanted to be president so he could finally check out the Playboy mansion as an invited guest. He's about half as good at cunnilingus as he thinks he is, which still isn't too bad.

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Jeb Bush (R) - Surprisingly, we estimate the younger brother of George W. probably has the best sex of all the candidates. Though he recently dropped out of the race, he seemed agreeable to throwing his hat in the ring under pressure of the family, rather than out of a burning need to sit behind the big desk. He's likely an agreeable and unselfish lover that's down for a little doggie style amidst the missionary, though he doesn't seem likely to break out the whips and chains. Columba, his wife, doesn't seem the type anyway.

Remember, if you're getting down and dirty with a candidate, make sure you're using protection. The last thing we need is more mediocre politicians out there!

Story by Patrick