Porn! It's a magical genre. It's also a potentially horrifying genre. Thanks (or no thanks) to some misguided writers...
Porn! It's a magical genre. It's also a potentially horrifying genre. Thanks (or no thanks) to some misguided writers, directors, producers and well-meaning-but-not-picky actors, we've been left with some serious lemons. In order from least to most "WTF"-inducing, here's a look at five of the most egregiously unnecessary porn films, all of which will fill you with a desire to leave this planet.
5. Edward Penishands (Edward Scissorhands)
Look, I'm not saying that a guy who has penises for hands wouldn't have more exciting career options than his hair-cutting counterpart, but I'm just not sure how much the world really needed this parody. And since when do you need to have penises in place of fingers to take care of things with your hands? Couldn't his weirdo inventor have just handed the guy a couple of dildos or a finger vibe and said "have fun, kid?" Besides, that title is just lazy. It sounds like a middle school insult ("why don't you MAKE me, Edward PENIShands?"). Personally, I'm holding out for the lesbian sequel: Edwina Scissorlegs.
4. E.T. XXX, a.k.a. E.T. The Extratesticular (E.T.)
What. The. Hell? Somewhere along the line, some hormone-addled teenager was watching Spielberg's friendly alien play with a Speak & Spell and got some serious wires crossed regarding what was sexy. In this totally unnecessary parody, our eponymous alien buddy (who indeed has an extra testicle) gets sexed up by some college co-eds. That's all you need to know to haunt you for the rest of your life. Fun fact: in a later release of the original E.T. film, weapons were replaced with CGI walkie talkies. In the re-release of E.T. XXX, I think they should replace all the penises with walkie talkies. You know, to make it more PG.
3. Titty Titty Gang Bang (Chitty Chitty Bang Bang)
If you loved Cherry Poppins (not to be confused with actual porn star Cherry Poppens), you'll simply ADORE Titty Titty Gang Bang. Actually, no. Nobody would adore that. Okay, to be fair, this one isn't really a parody. It's really just your typical big-boob gang bang porno with a clever name. A clever name based on a children's movie about a funny little car. God help us all.
2. Simpsons: the XXX Parody (The Simpsons)
Few of us have ever looked at a yellow cartoon with an overbite and thought "gimme some of that." Perhaps that's why we didn't produce Simpsons: the XXX Parody. The whole thing seems pretty tongue-in-cheek (which is a phrase I'll never use again when writing about porn), but even the trailer is uncomfortable. The most impressive thing about it is the voice acting; Homer's voice is so spot on that, well, it's impossible to imagine enjoying this. His impression is too real and too too unsexy. My final thought: I don't even want to know how far they went with the yellow body paint. Aye caramba!
1. Schindler's Lust (Schindler's List)
"Hey, I have an idea: let's take one of the most moving portrayals of systemic genocide and put tits in it." I'm pretty sure that's an actual quote. Schindler's Lust isn't strictly a parody, but is actually a disturbing Nazi sex torture flick with a punny title. Fortunately for the world, it was never actually finished and exists only as a trailer... which I watched and would like to erase from my memory and hard drive forever. In one portion, a Nazi official presents a woman to a caveman creature for a rape-based eugenics experiment. I don't think I need to say anything else to prove this is, without a doubt, the number one parody title we could have gone without.
Sources and References
http://www.ifc.com/shows/garfunkel-and-oates/blog/2014/08/15-best-porn-parodies
http://www.buzzfeed.com/samstryker/porn-parodies-that-are-definitely-better-than-the-movies
http://www.ranker.com/list/the-13-porn-parodies-humanity-really-didn_t-need/ihateeverything